In this episode, you will learn:
- How to reinvent your relationship with yourself destigmatizing the human body and sexuality Identifying power abuse in relationships (within professional settings as well)
- How to destigmatize the human body and sexuality
- Identifying power abuse in relationships (within professional settings as well)
Episode 69: Feel Fully You
Katie Wrigley 00:06
Welcome back to The Pain Changer Podcast®. This is episode 69 and I’m your host Katie Wrigley. If you’ve been struggling with self love working on yourself and putting yourself first, or maybe you’re having some body image issues, if so, you will want to stay tuned for this week’s episode. Today I’m speaking with a certified mind and body coach. Stay tuned. That’s coming right up. Joining me today is Juliet Karaman. Juliet is a certified mind body coach and expert on relationships, sensuality, healing trauma and body shame. She specializes in the reinvention of the most intimate relationship in life, the one you have with yourself. With courses coaching, VIP experiences and retreats. Juliet has guided and mentored 1000s of women over the past decade and a half, rewriting the relationship with self confidence, their bodies, mind and spirit using her unique, rapid release rewire and restore method. Her mission is to create a world where every woman remembers the truth of who they are. And where scrumptiousness, pleasure, ease, spirituality and sensuality are prioritized. She’s a mother to four children in their early 20s. Who she loves fiercely. Welcome to The Pain Changer Podcast®. Juliet. I’m so glad to have you join me today.
Juliette Karaman 01:50
Thank you so much for having me. I’m so pleased to be here. It’s super cool.
Yes, this is going to be exciting. I haven’t had too many guests that are delving into the sensuality really diving into that body love on a deep level. So I’m really excited to get into this today.
And don’t we all hold a bit of body shame. Right?
Right, right. We get taught it from such a young age. And it’s so hard to break in adulthood, especially when we’re around people. And I know we’re gonna get into this, when we’re around people who are reflecting back that our own insecurity at us doesn’t do anything to help.
Completely, I’m gonna leave it up to you where you want to guide me where this goes.
All right, well, let’s start with, what does it look like? How does reinventing your relationship with yourself impact other aspects of your life, such as relationships with others, career satisfaction, overall happiness?
Beautiful, beautiful questions. So we often look at our life, and we’re like, oh, I don’t like my job. If only I was a bit thinner. If only this if only that if only I was richer If only I had a boyfriend If only I had a husband. So we look outside ourselves for things to change. And we don’t actually recognize by not looking at ourselves, reinventing ourselves of who we are, how we love ourselves, when we do that, when we put attention on ourselves, we put attention on how we feel, how we experience things, how we feel things in our body, what the emotions are that we have what thoughts we have, that’s when we actually shift our outside reality, where we put our attention really grows. And the more that we can start coming from a place of really loving ourselves, and especially as a woman, we’re not used to that. We’re not used to loving ourselves, because it’s like, oh, you’re vain, or you’re this or that you’re so full of yourself. And you’ve heard this from maybe your friends, maybe from your siblings, maybe even from your parents, like no, aren’t you just getting a bit too big for your boots? And it’s like, well, no if I don’t love myself, then who’s gonna love me more than me? And that’s the beautiful thing. Like once you really start looking at yourself becoming aware of your patterns, because we all have patterns. It’s like, Oh, I get triggered when someone says this to me. I’m like, oh, okay, I get activated all of a sudden, you know, probably my thoughts. I mean, my emotions, I can’t quite get my conversations out. So when are we saying yes, instead of saying no, how often do we say no, but we give an excuse instead of just saying, Do I really want to do that?. And once you start becoming aware of all these patterns, of over giving, of mothering, of doing things that we actually don’t really want to do, but that we’re not aware of. And once you can start putting awareness on those things. Then it’s like a lightbulb of, oh my god, I’m living a life that I actually am not so in alignment with. Why am I doing this?
Wow. And you’re speaking my language. I love everything that you just said there may ask real quickly, how did you get into this work? And then I want to dive more deeply into your work.
So married to a man with four kids absolutely adored each other. But he traveled a lot. And we didn’t communicate very well. So I had to go through this myself, right? Somehow, I live very disconnected from my body. And we had a fight about one of our kids. And he said, well, maybe we should just get divorced. And it was like, physically, this whole ton of bricks just came off my shoulders. And I didn’t sleep. And the next day, I said, I think you’re right. I think we should get divorced. And he’d said it of course. Not really meaning it. But for me, it was like, Yes, I’m actually feeling my body again. Fast forward, I get into another relationship, someone who has three children. So seven children between the two of us have seven different schools and seven different holidays. Anyway, that is like running an army. And I’m a recovering over giver, right? So always knowing what others need. And not really looking after myself. So I spent nine months in and out of hospital because I kept fainting. So I couldn’t go for about, one or two feet and then I’d fall, and I’d faint and I actually pass out. So I remember waking up on half landing in this pool of blood. Because I’d fallen into this beautiful buzz that we had there Chinese buzz and like silk flowers in it. And there was this huge cut in my wrist and then the blood and I could smell the metallic blood around me. And I was like, Whoa, is this it? Is this actually where I’m gonna go? I’ve got four kids. What’s happening? So that was my wake up. And oftentimes, we have to get to that place where it’s like no, something’s got to give. So fast forward, the relationship didn’t last, there were just a lot of things that I probably wasn’t ready for. He wasn’t ready, the kids, there was just too much. Yet, after that, I started healing really quickly, I went deeply into personal development, I’d already been studying a lot of psychology, and I was helping kids on the spectrum, autism, dyslexia, everything like that. And then all of a sudden, I just found out about me and found out about boundaries and found out about empathy, but the Me Too movement, who else here has felt this in their lives? I’m like, Oh, my God, I’m not the only one. So that’s how the deep dive started.
Wow, that’s incredible. I’m so glad that you were able to get off that landing and continue so that you can do this work that you’re doing today. So I want to go into some red flags that we see in relationships. So what are some common signs or red flags that indicate power abuse and relationships, professional, romantic, etc? Because a lot of times what I found is people are tolerating abuse, because they don’t realize that they’re actually being abused. So would you be able to go into that Juliet
Completely and, it’s like you said, it can be in a relationship, it can be a romantic relationship. It can be in a relationship with your children, with your parents, with your work colleagues, with someone that you just know. One of the ways to really start noticing is when someone criticizes you a lot. When they criticize you a lot when they disregard your feelings, your emotions. And it might also just be something as simple as looking, but you just feel really shut about it right? You don’t feel good about it, or you don’t speak up for yourself. And then that happens again, and you start feeling more insecure. And basically you just start feeling more and more insecure. A classic example is saying oh but You never said it that way. I didn’t understand it that way. Or you didn’t say that. And that is like really where some of the gaslighting comes in, right where it’s like, oh but I didn’t mean it that way. It’s like, Oh, I’m just joking. if they say something, which isn’t very nice and for the user, hey, that hurts my feelings. It’s like, Oh, I’m just joking. And then if you say, hey, but that hurts my feelings. So please stop doing it. And they continue to do that. So really disregard your emotions. disregard, really, if your human rights are often right?, like feeling safe, someone will come too close too quickly too much in your space. And I teach people on the spectrum. So I would put my handout and say, that is the proper space, you can come as close as my hand is, so about a meter, I don’t know how much that is in your eyes. But that feels good for me. And for you, this is something to learn. When you come too close to people, they feel unsafe. We go into this animal reaction where we’re like, fight flight, or complete freeze or fawn. Right? So our prefrontal cortex just comes offline. And we can’t actually think because you’re just invading my space. Are you saying that to people, and they just laugh it off and come close again? And they say, Hey, no. You kind of almost want to push them away? It’s like, No, this is a comfortable space for me. I was like, come on, you’re such a drama queen. All right. How often have we heard that you’re such a drama queen, you’re such an attention seeker. It’s like, hey, there are some of us that are very energetic and actually can feel energy massively, and don’t have that filter on what some other people have. So that when someone comes into our space, it’s too much. It’s too soon. It’s too quick. It’s too loud. When people are really loud around you, you keep asking like, Hey, can you quiet down a little bit? I mean, these are just some of the little red flags. There’s so many of them. But these are things that’s like, hey, just anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, and that you are tolerating? And then it’s become a habit and you just think it’s kind of normal.
Thank you for that. And I had a few thoughts collide right there. And those subtle red flags, those are so easy to overlook. But that is someone that’s disregarding like I had someone in my past who had a pattern of disregarding me. And even to the point where after I blocked him on my phone, he would still try to email me, it’s like, you know, that you’re blocked on my phone. And so now he’s blocked on email, too, but it’s like, really? what part of this makes you think that this is okay. And you know, it was the same thing when we were still dating, like his answer after a fight would be to randomly like, come up and grope me, it’s like, Ah, no, no, like, this is not the time like when you’re in like a sassy mood or something and you’re in a good space and you’re in a loving space, then that kind of touches welcome. But where you’re coming off the heels of a fight. The last thing I want to have is the boob groped. That’s just not where my headspace is, you need to work your way back there again. And then he would get so mad like that. I did that a couple times. And he’s like, you know, you’ve pushed me away like this before. I’m like, How would you like me to communicate when I’m not open to being touched? It’s not like you asked permission to touch me. So how am I supposed to communicate this to you? Without like, You’re touching me when I don’t want you to touch me. Like the fastest thing to do is get your hand off of me.
Yeah. And that’s it, right? It’s instinctive. You’re like, hey, no, because it just feels invasive.
Oh, so invasive. And other times like I said, that touch is very welcome. When you’re in a frisky mood and everything you want that’s going on, but when you’re coming off of an argument, you’re not feeling heard, you’re feeling dismissed.
That’s the energy right? I mean, I tell so many of my clients. My husband never listens to me or my wife never listens to me, or they never initiate sex. I’m like, Have you actually asked before you start doping on them? Like if they have the bandwidth, like, and it’s been the biggest thing for my relationship for my fiance and me as well. Because he’d get home and he’d say whatever was on his mind. I’m like, I’m on a call. No, not a good time. And I would do the same. I’d come into his office and what we learned and what I teach my clients also it’s like, Hey, do you have bandwidth? Now I need about five minutes of your time. I want to kind of rant and just kind of like dump on you. I don’t want to be fixed. But do you just have space to just hold space for me that I can just kind of like rant? And then that gives them the opportunity to kind of feel it’s like, oh, do I want this now? Do I have the energy for it? Or can I say, You know what I’ve actually preferred after dinner, because I’m not in the state that I can actually receive this.
Nice. That’s such a beautiful way to communicate. I’ve done that with some of my closer friendships, like instead of just coming in, and just verbal diarrhea all over the place. It’s like, do you have space for me to vent right now? then if they say yes, it’s like to go, here we go. But if it’s no, it’s respecting that and it’s never a solid No, like you said. When someone’s asked me, do you have space for this right now? I’m like, I don’t. But if you can wait a half an hour? I do. Yeah.
And that’s it. Because you usually get encountered with a counteroffer, and it’s so good. It’s such good learning for both of you checking in with yourself. And also, if you are the one that’s the space holder off. I have four kids, they call me at all times. I mean, they’re in their 20s, but they live all over the world. So, I’m on my offer. So I have my phone usually on silent. And one of them is a bit more of a drama queen. Like she’s just she has a lot of energy. And she’s very expressive, and I can deal with it. But a lot of people are such drama queens. I’m like, Well, no, not now. I’m right in the middle or something. Or? hey, I’m just sitting on my feet for one second. Can you warn me before you drop a bomb on me? And then they’ll get it. And they’re like, they text saying, Hey, this is now good. I’m like, Yeah, perfect. It’s like, Oh, Mommy, I’m gonna rant a bit I’m like, cool. No problem.
Yeah, and those boundaries, those are so important, and I’ve noticed with people who are just starting to learn boundaries, they’ll start out with just like one person in their life, it’s like, you can’t have boundaries, that just one person like, these are things that you need, across the board for yourself.
And boundaries, people think it’s like, Oh, my God, they’re massively rigid, and therefore other people and they’re breaking my boundary. And it’s like, so who’s allowing that? you’re putting boundaries, and they’re permeable. I mean, they move right. They’re flexible. You’re putting that so that you can have your own space, you have time to think, you have time to act, you are going to accept certain things, you’re not going to accept certain things. So for boundaries for me, it’s just so important to teach people saying, hey, boundaries also have a consequence. Don’t just put a boundary in place. So for me with the kids, especially when I had like, the seven kids in my life, I started to put some bunkers and after you know, fainting, and it started to go wrong. It’s like, hey, you know, when you’re going to speak like this, I’m going to remove myself by punishing them that they have to do something. But I’m making sure if I’m taking myself somewhere else, and I’m gonna take care of myself.
Yes, that’s beautiful. And I made a realization. And I’ve mentioned this and other episodes, too. We only give boundaries to people we love to people who we want to have in our lives boundaries, like you said, they’re, they’re flexible, but they’re, they’re there. They’re there. They may not be visible, but they are tangible. And we know when they’ve been crossed. If someone isn’t welcome in our life, we’re not giving them a boundary. We’re loving them from afar, that’s very different. And once I understood that, it became so much easier for me to understand other people’s boundaries and to accept them. So even in that moment, when I may have needed something that was unhealthy, I was able to push past that and be like, hey, this person actually loves me enough to put this boundary in place. I’m going to respect that, because that’s my way that I can show them that I love them as well.
Okay. And I think if you think about in the coaching industry, you have clients that are going through stuff all the time. And you know, a lot of my clients are in different time zones all over the world. So I’ll get texts in the middle of the night. And I get people calling me in the middle of the night. And in the beginning, I just wanted to help everyone. And I was like, not being helped because I was helping everyone in the middle of the night or on the weekends or whatever. So it’s, that’s where it’s like, Oh, I’ve got to just kind of tell people what time the shop is open, what time you can come into the shop, what time you leave and what time it’s not open. The most difficult thing for me I think was actually not answering My, my emails or my whatsapp or my fox or my telegram, whatever social media my gave them to contact me but, but not opening those and answering those on the times that I’m actually not available.
Yes, that’s been a powerful shift for myself too, as I started to gain more traction, I just kept getting exhausted. I’m like, I’m going to need more boundaries, so that I can continue to maintain energy to give to my clients because otherwise, I’m not going to be good for anyone. I always check in with clients the day after I work with them. And Friday is a day I see in person clients, I’ll check in with them. But if it’s going to go into a deep thing, like, I’ll get back to you on Monday, because I don’t want to wait the weekend to check in on them. And it’s not going to take too much, just do a quick check in five minutes. And it’s you know, we’re gonna circle back. And we’re gonna dig into this more on Monday. And just very clear about that. And I actually welcome clients to reach out to me anytime I shut off my phone from eight to eight, and I shut it off. And I let them know that to like, you are welcome to reach out to me at any time. These are the times that I can reply, I’m not going to be able to reply immediately, I’m going to reply within X time. But if you have something come up in the middle of the night, and you need to dump it, go for it, you are not going to wake me up.
But that’s so good to hear right as a client or like, because oftentimes we’ll have stuff that’s coming up. And while we’re typing over while we’re leaving a voice message. It’s like you almost want to delete it, because you’ve worked through it. Being able to give your coach your mentor, your therapist, that transmission. And then even later on, you go on saying, oh, you know, whatever already figured it out. But it also shows us as the mentors, as the coaches, as the therapists, like look at that, how they’re already figuring out their patterns and how it’s working.
And we want to jump in and help, right? And sometimes that space, so much more powerful than engaging, especially when it’s a time that we have said that we’re not available to engage, it gives them the opportunity to see how far they’ve grown and see that they can start to work through that on their own. And I love seeing that with clients. I’m sure you do as well,
Completely. And I think that’s why I went from seeing what people want once a week to now I have much more space in it. And then they have one day a week that they can either contact me on Voxer or WhatsApp for the whole day and leave short messages. And we’ll just communicate that way.
Yeah, I love that. So kind of combining everything we’ve been talking about with red flags, subtle signs of abuse boundaries. What happens when someone who may be carrying a lot of insecurity, or a lot of body shame is being subjected to some of these patterns? What’s what’s happening in their head, Juliet? And what is the deeper danger, the deeper effect that that’s having on them?
It can be a lot, right? We carry body shame, we’ve been looked at a certain way. And that’s really where traumatic experiences anchor into the body already, right and they create disease. And it could be as simple as your grandmother having said, when you were like three or four years ago, are you going to have that extra piece of cake, or the way that someone looked at you or the way that someone gave you a call when you when you’re out on the street or anything like that, it doesn’t actually have to be massive, like actual sexual abuse, which also happens. But all of this we create this layer, we disconnect from our true selves.The more that we disconnect, the more we do want to be loved and the more that we look outside ourselves to be loved. So the more that we look outside of ourselves, and that could be the person that is actually causing the harm the person that is having us feel more insecure. But it could also be dieting if only I was a bit thinner, then I’d be happy with this. that, the blah blah, blah, the money and everything outside of ourselves. And we start living really disconnected from ourselves from the world. We watch too much TV or on Instagram, whatever on all the social media networks too much and then get bombarded with other people. people that look amazing that look like they have the most perfect lives. And we do “comparisitis” as I call it. And we feel less than. And that is probably the biggest one that everyone has feeling less than so: feeling unloved feeling, not wanting to abandon, these are the core wounds that we all carry. And we make sure that we stay in that So we look outside ourselves, we stay disconnected from ourselves. And this kind of becomes like the snowball effect. And it gets worse and worse and worse and worse. People start eating or this or drinking a little bit or they, you know, they turn to drugs, or they turn to anything to numb the experience of feeling. So my brand is called feel fully new, when all of a sudden I realize it’s like, Oh, when I can start feeling everything. When I started loving myself, I felt all the good things, I also felt the things that aren’t very comfortable. But if I allow myself to feel them, and if I actually duplicate by experience, um, the images of thoughts and body sensations and emotions, if I stay in that for about 90 seconds, and I move through it, and I feel so bad, then something else comes up. And I do that again. And then something else comes up again. And then all of a sudden I’m in a space where it’s like oh, or no more bad thoughts. The old energy is just really quiet. And all of a sudden, there’s no, no monkey mind. So that is really where we learn how to feel. And that’s where we learn how to stand up for ourselves. That’s where we learn to have our no’s and our yeses. And it’s like, no, that doesn’t feel good. So that’s one of the first things I teach people. It’s like, what’s your no? So really starting to tap into what it is that gives you pleasure. What are your bundles of joy? Like, it might be a vase with like one or two flowers or a candle that you have? What are the things that bring you joy? Maybe it’s a certain cream that you like putting on your hands? Start looking at your life and actually see the things that aren’t going well. Start looking at yourself in the body. It’s like, oh, actually, like my eyes. I have really kind sparkly eyes. Yeah, I like my hands. And it’s like, and all of a sudden, can I go? What qualities do I like about myself? This is a really good one. If you have kids on their dinner table, ask them what is the quality that you love about yourself. And at first, they’ll be like, Oh, mommy, that’s so vain. I’m like, start looking into what you love about yourself. I am generous with my time, I’m always looking out for other people. I’m honest, and funny. And once you start programming that into your mind, I’m actually getting more of that you started attracting more of that. And the funny thing is, your partner will think, Whoa, what happened to you all of a sudden, even if you are in that slightly abusive relationship, he’ll start thinking like, Whoa, you’re so confident and all of a sudden you really started loving yourself. Your kids will start saying, Hey, Mommy, yeah, you’re not angry so much, you’re in a really good move, your boss will give you a raise. It’s funny how it just ripples out everywhere.
Indeed, and I love that ripple effect you’re talking about. I want to go back to one specific point in there, though, where you start to gain confidence as you start to really lean into loving yourself really connecting to the reasons you love. You can also very quickly find that your partner is not in alignment with that. And it speeds up the end of things. So you actually find that very quickly. Are they receptive to this kind of love? Or if they start fighting you and they start using boundaries to see okay, is she going to drop this boundary? And if she does, it means she loves me. It’s like, no, no, no. Now suddenly you’re not in flow at all. Any lack of alignment that was probably there before is so glaringly blatant that you can’t ignore it anymore. And it becomes very easy. When you start to engage in self love to see like a Are these people around me going to be on board with this and raising their vibrations with me? Because when we start to vibrate higher, the people who are receptive to come with us, they start vibrating higher too, because they’re like, Well, I don’t want some of this to feel so good. Like you said, you start getting raises, you start getting positive feedback, your kids start behaving. All these things change. In my experience, not everybody’s on board, though.
I’m just gonna say it takes a moment for them to come on board. Not everyone does come on board, you will lose some friends, and you will lose some people that are in your surroundings, and you may lose your partner. I think one or two of the good questions to start asking yourself is where am I settling? For less? Right? And really, what am I? Where am I settling? When I’m not really at my peak? What do I really want? And that’s a question that people are like, What do you mean, what do I want? I know what I don’t want. It’s like, okay, so where in your life? What is one desire that you have? Let’s just try with one. We open that box. And then second, where are you actually not getting that? Why are you settling? What is holding you back? Is it yourself? Is it you being afraid of being left alone, because we’re all afraid to be abandoned or not having any friends? Moving the status quo? Rocking the Boat? Because a lot of us don’t want to rock the boat?
Yeah, yeah, it’s that fear of rejection. And when you can start to realize this was really fundamental in my own growth, when you realize that people who decide not to be in your life or that you’ve decided you need to love from afar, you’re actually making room for more people who are more in alignment with you. And when you look at it that way, is rejection even real? Or is it simply just clashing energy that demands more space?
Isn’t it beautiful? If you look at it that way, is it really rejection? Or is it just like, hey, I need some space? Yeah. A lot of people that I’ve actually just had to kind of like, break the energy with for a while now are slowly coming back. And they’re like, whoa, okay, I see what you’re doing. And I’ve been admiring you from afar. I’ve been watching over what’s happening. And I’d really like to reconnect. I had one of these women yesterday, after four years saying, Hey, can we reconnect? And I’m like, Of course. She’s like, You’re not angry? Like, why would I be angry? You took care of you. I took care of myself. We’re both adults here. Like, there was never any love loss between us. It says like he took care of you. I took care of myself. That’s perfectly fine.
Oh, that’s beautiful. I love that. Tell us about your unique rapid release, rewire and restore method? And how?
So if we think about any experience that we’ve had. And if we think about any of the troubles that we still have in our life, just think about one thing like yeah, maybe I lost my job. Right? That is what happened. But that’s never the problem. It’s how we feel about it. So it’s like, okay, so how do you feel about having lost your job? Like, what I’m afraid, I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to provide for my kids, I’m afraid I’m a failure. I’m afraid that we’ll lose the house and will be harmless. So you see immediately that emotion then starts producing thoughts and more emotions. And then if you start feeling into your body, oh, my God, you know, you get all tight and you start noticing what a head spin. And really doomsday scenario? That’s any experience, if you really boil it down to the basics, it has an image, a thought, a body sensation, and an emotion. So if we can boil everything down to those four elements, yeah. And if we can duplicate them, then we move through it. So I have you rated on a scale of one to 10. I have a fear. I’ve lost my job. I have this real fear that I’m not going to provide for my kids. How high is that? Fear? It’s probably an eight. How would you rather feel at the end of the session? Well, I’d rather feel free and Not afraid. Right? Take them through that duplication process. And there are a few different processes that I take them through. But the easiest one is like Okay, so what’s the thought that comes up? Yeah. I’m not gonna be able to provide for my kids. Great. So go ahead and think that thought, where ‘s the emotion that’s coming up? Fear? Go ahead and feel that fear. Where’s that showing up in your body? It’s like, oh, my throat. There’s a tightness in my throat. Great. Put your hand there. Yeah, images that come up. No, nothing. Perfect. Take a deep breath in and out. Let it go. What’s the next thought that comes up? Like, oh, you know, how am I going to provide? Great, thank that thought? What’s the emotion like, Ooh, I want to cry. Great. Feel that allows yourself to want to cry. tension in my in my jaws. It’s moving through my jaw. So that’s where you hold a lot of emotion. And you go through? It’s like, oh, what’s the thought now? It’s like, oh, it’s actually not that bad. It’s like, all figured out. So great. Okay, I’ll figure it out. What’s the emotion that comes in? It’s like, oh, there’s a bit of hope there. Where am I feeling? Hope, oh, there’s expansion in my heart. Great, feel it, experience it, stay in it for 30 seconds, 90 seconds, what’s the next thought? You see, so you just duplicate it. And then all of a sudden, you’ve changed your state, you’re no longer oscillating at that lower vibration, all of a sudden, you become you get into a state where there’s choice where you can actually make a choice where you can see that there is choice that it’s not just all darkness and horrible illness. But that’s like, oh, from here, what’s the next step? Okay, so I could, yes, I’ve lost my job. But I could do affiliate marketing, I could go and get on social media, I could ask my neighbor for a job. You know, they’re all of a sudden, they’re like, 20 things that will come through. And as we know the universe, there are thoughts and there, there’s, there’s ideas that pop in. But if you’re so in that thought patterns are in that darkness, you’re never gonna hear them.
Yes. Is that what you look for you will find? And so if you’re in a fear state, if you’re in an anxious state, that’s what you’re going to be looking at the world through those lenses, you’re going to find more things to make, you’re scared, you’re gonna find more things to make you anxious. When you’re looking through the lens of hope and possibility. Rules, oh, maybe we can do this over here. Hey, maybe now’s the opportunity to do that. Or what does trust look like? What if I just trust I’ll be okay.
Right. And also seeing where it’s happening for you? Is the difficult bit right? I mean, I got deep ripped by five guys. And like whether that happened for me, I might. When I first started discovering this, I’m like, I don’t know if this is awkward for me at all. now. Yeah, like 30 years on, I’m helping people through their trauma, because I know what it’s like. So it’s happened for me. Definitely the hundreds and coaches and women and couples that I’ve actually mentored and trained in to know how to move through this themselves. And like, of course, it’s happened for me,
right, and it’s powerful, and the amount of support that you can give because you have experienced something like that. That builds trust and a whole new level. Because you’ve been there you understand it, you aren’t some therapist who’s keeping their private life private, so you don’t know anything about them. And they’re talking to you in a room trying to lead you through a sexual assault that you’ve been through and you have no way of knowing what this person’s background is that connection there that you create by sharing your story. And thank you for sharing that by sharing your story and letting people know like, Hey, I’ve been here too. I know that this isn’t easy, and I know what is possible.
It’s interesting, right? I was talking to my lash lady, I had my lashes done.
I was just admiring them actually. I was like, she has such beautiful lashes.
Oh, yeah, they’re not mine, they were very fine lashes. She asked me what do you think about you know, about therapists, about counselors, and I said, you know, there’s some that aren’t great. So what’s the difference between a coach and a therapist? And so the way I like to explain it is like there’s this big manhole in a road. This is one person stuck in it, and they can’t climb out, and they’ve tried everything to get out, get out. And, you know, the priest is like here, do your Hail Marys and you’ll, you know, pray to God and you’ll get out. And the rabbi says, you know, something similar, and the man says something similar. And the therapist says, Well, you know, tell me all about your, your, your problems as a child and what happened and we’ll you know, we’ll find the connection. And a coach is kind of like jumping in or a mentor just jumps in, people’s like, why did you do this? Now we’re both stuck. It’s like, No, I jumped in, because I know the way out. So I can teach you how I got up. You can see if it works for you, we can find the way together. And she just laughed, and we were like, Oh, my God, that is such a good analogy. And I was like, well, because we can share our stories. And we can say, hey, this might not work for you. But this is how I did it. Or we can reflect back to them their blind spots that we’ve already been through.
I love that that’s such a great analogy, you know, and we’re not talking about you know, because you hear that sometimes of you don’t want to get in it with someone because then you’re stuck to your only jumping into the manhole because you know, your way out, like, Oh, I’ve already been there before, I know the way out here and let me join you. And we’re gonna go out together. So then there’s a big distinction. You’re not going into unknown territory that you haven’t been in before. That’s not at all what you’re saying.
Completely. It’s like, I’ve been here I know the way out. So let both of us walk the way out. Let’s be here Hand in hand we can bring you with me. It’s not like I’m so far I had the mountain that you have to catch up. It’s like, hey, let’s do this together.
I love that that’s such a good analogy to be able to explain that. So Juliette, where can people find you? And what ways can they work with you?
So I do group coaching. I have a mastermind called the scrumptious collective. I have just launched my own podcast called The scrumptious woman last week. So that’s really fun. And that’s my way of giving back. Because some of my VIP offerings are quite high. So people can work with me one on one, group coaching, group mastermind and then find me in the scrumptious woman. My podcast and my website is called feelfullyyou.com Instagram, Facebook JK with double T and then caravan K-a-r-a-m-a-n. And there’s lots of free resources on my website where hypnosis is. I’m a hypnotherapist as well. There are some ways you change your beliefs. So there are some beautiful downloads as well as some beautiful work books. I just feel like everyone needs to know how to feel more scrumptious, how to feel more delicious. I have this program called scrumptious dates, and I give everyone the first week for free. If they like it, then they can jump in. You just kind of get to know how you can have structured dates for yourself and with your partner again.
I love that and that’s so important. There was something I learned from Do you know who Matthew Hussey is? Okay, so one of the things that he teaches is like, even after you get married, you never stopped dating your spouse. And so that is just a delicious tidbit there to like, get back to those scrumptious dates. Because once you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s hard to find something unique. It’s hard so it can be more challenging, and I want to say hard and make it more difficult. It can be challenging to bring that spark back.
I forget right. I mean, I have a client today. It’s her 20th anniversary. I’ve given them a date this morning. You know a few tips with there are a few actually good homework to do. So if you can’t make it a daily evening out making lunch, can’t talk about the kids, you can’t take your phones with you. I really want both of you to make them less about what you loved about each other. When we first started dating. She just gave me the homework back. She’s like, Oh my God, we went for a 40 minute walk. And she said I didn’t know if he was going to be on board. But he completely is and we just changed our whole state.
I love that. I love that. What a beautiful gift to give a couple. There was a client I started with. I was just thinking, Oh, you’re helping people have sex again. Like that was the first thing that came to mind. And that’s so important, especially after 20 years. And that was something that a client of mine had shared, like I’m getting intimate with my husband again. I was like oh yay! I’m helping people have sex. This is awesome.
I know but I take sex off the table the first few weeks and like, oh, yeah, because they come to me they have not sex often. 23 years, so I’m like, Okay, so we’re consciously taking sex off the table for the first four weeks. And they look at me like, but we’re trying, like I know, but you actually haven’t connected for a way. So let’s start that again before we even start talking about touch.
Oh, wow. Woof, pow. I love that. I love that. That’s obviously I’m not in that realm of expertise there. But yeah, that’s, that’s just beautiful. And it makes sense. Actually, what that would do when you take that off the table, all that pressure, all that tension around that, is it gone, because it’s not an option. At a time,
Also for people that are, are first getting into a new relationship, and they really want to be conscious. I say, Listen, you know, no touching under the waist. And the funny thing is, when they first start doing it, we’ll be like, What do you mean, we’re not going to have sex? And it’s like, no, I really want to get to know you. And all of a sudden, it’s like, you get wooed and you get, it’s like you get courted. But the funny thing is, the man in that relationship was also saying, like, Oh, my God, I didn’t realize how much in my head I was normally, because now I’m kissing and I’m touching and boom, I’m like, Wow, I’m so present. But before I would be like, oh, you know, should I grab her butt? Or should I go there? Or is she getting off? Is she liking it? It’s like, you take all expectations off the table. You’re like, just above the waist. Thank you. Yeah,
I love that. It’s the irony of you saying that, too. I’ve just started to get back into the dating world again. And I was trying online dating. I don’t think that I think I’m actually just going to try to meet people in real life and then figure out who’s married, who’s single, who’s available and take it from there. That just feels just more in alignment with me right now. But one of the things I put on my profile was, I want someone who has the patience to get to know me first. Yes. And this one guy, you seem really funny and seem really cool. He’s like, Oh, yeah, that sounds great. And then the other day, he’s like, Yeah, I didn’t feel a love connection. And I don’t have the time to wait months. I’m like, Okay, well, you just made that really easy. Thank you. Peace out. Yeah. Like
It’s good to have your boundaries there as well. Right? And be like, this is what I want.
Right? And I didn’t, I didn’t say I meant anything happened, meaning sex. Like, I didn’t say you can’t touch me. I didn’t say you can’t tell me. I said, Give me a chance to get to know you and give you a chance to get to know me. Because I don’t have time to waste on any more bullshit relationships. I’m too old for that at this point. So I want to have an idea. Is this gonna work? Can we talk about things other than sex? So that we see is this more or less likely to be compatible? Because dating when you’re middle aged? That’s a completely different ballgame.
Isn’t it? No, I’m engaged.
Clearly, you’ve done it well, so
But that was part of my thing. It’s like, hey, you know, and how slow do we take it? How fast do we take it? And where can we now keep adjusting? Yeah, yeah, things have happened. I’ve had my sister and both my parents die. I helped them with Passover. So there’s been a lot of grief the last few years as well, which, then you might not be at your sexual peak. To be able to talk about that. And also like explaining to a man like a woman needs 14 minutes to really become aroused and menopause might need a little bit longer. And that doesn’t mean that you have to for 40 minutes you count on her or whatever. But it’s like, already talking to each other, looking at each other’s eyes, like giving her a massage playing with her hair. All of that is part of the foreplay. Anything is foreplay as long as we’re not having penetration. So think about it in that way.
Vulnerable sharing is mega foreplay to me when authentic, vulnerable. It’s like, you’re letting me see you right now that is so hot.
That’s what I do with my people that I tell them sex off the table. They start sharing, they start having their scrumptious communications and that’s a certain process I take them through and then oftentimes by week two I’ll get a little texting Oh, well, the homework he gave us we kind of broke our no.
I love that. This has been such a pleasure talking to you are there any last words that you want to leave the audience with today for maybe someone who hasn’t been connecting with themselves, someone who still feels like they’re vain, or they’re selfish, despite those actually being healthy, taking care of yourself caring about yourself, these are healthy things, they don’t need to be labeled as unhealthy. But for someone who may be in that space right now are feeling a lot of shame, or even potentially seeing red flags in their relationship after this conversation. What would you like to say to them?
I’d say check in with yourself, put a timer on your phone for 90 seconds in the morning, and then the evening, and really take yourself through that little exercise that I gave you, what’s the thought that’s coming up? Feel it? Is there any image? Do you see anything? Is there an emotion that comes through? And where are you feeling it in your body and really sitting with that for a moment that’s just becoming aware of what’s happening in your life. And then another thing that I would do is like when you’re brushing your teeth, in the morning, and at night, actually look at your face. Look at your eyes, and start noticing what you like about yourself. Just one thing every day is a different thing.
Yes, yes. Mix it up. Beautiful, beautiful suggestions. Thank you so much for joining me today. Juliette has been such a pleasure to speak to you, as I said, thank you.
It’s been great. being here. Thank you.
And thank you to the audience for joining us today. And I hope you’re gonna come back and join me again next week. When I have a special guest that I met at my most recent recent Ayahuasca experience, he is going to join us to talk about the power of ayahuasca, his own experiences, whatever he’s willing to share, and the importance of meditation as a whole specifically, the Zildjian meditative experience. So come back next week and learn all about that and until then, please remember, you can accept the diagnosis without accepting the prognosis.