In this episode, you will learn:
- What are the importance of setting boundaries
- How to keep your batteries full
- The importance of speaking from the heart
- Letting others speak and be heard
- Understanding how deeply you can trust yourself
Episode 66: What my most recent Ayahuasca experience gave me
Katie Wrigley (KW) 00:07
Welcome back to The Pain Changer podcast. This is episode 66. And I’m your host Katie Wrigley. Boy, has it been a minute since I’ve done a solo episode, but after my most recent Ayahuasca ceremony, I felt called to do so again, you’ve heard me talk about my experiences on the show before, and what plant medicine has in common with Cognomovement. And also what it doesn’t have in common. Well, my friends, hang on to your hats, because this was my most profound ceremony experience to date. Stay tuned, you won’t want to miss it.
So I have done an episode in the past where I was comparing Cognomovement and plant medicine. I think overall, I gave it pretty good justice. But there was one piece that hadn’t really stood out to me at the time when I did that episode, because it had been over a year since I had done my last Ayahuasca ceremony before, to have that comparison. And so some things I just naturally forgotten over time. So one of the big things that I don’t get in Cognomovement, is the spiritual component. Now, Cognomovement absolutely raises your consciousness, it can help you feel more connected to source. But by its nature, it doesn’t have a spiritual component within it. Whereas when you do a sacred plant medicine ceremony, that is exactly what you’re doing, you feel, or at least I do, I felt like I was connected to source connected to spirit. I saw and felt things I had never felt before. And much like by last ceremony, I use Cognomovement, ahead of time to prepare, since I do so much Cognomovement on a regular basis, I didn’t go out of my way to do as many regular sessions. But I went into it in full burnout mode, after running balls to the wall doing my summit for the last few months before that, my brain had actually kind of hurt going into it and like more of like this stress feeling. And in full disclosure today has been a really big day. So my brain feels a little bit like that again, but it’s also going to be going away much faster because of what happened with ceremony this time. This was incredibly profound. And there’s pieces that are really hard to explain. But I made notes as far as what I got out of it. And I want to share that with you.
Now, I have chosen to do more than just a three day retreat. This time, I felt really called to connect to the medicine and do a seven day retreat, which is typically five ceremonies. After discussion with my facilitator, we both decided that she felt and she meditated on this as well, that the last ceremony was going to be psilocybin versus ayahuasca and psilocybin as mushrooms to those who may not be familiar with that term. And it was by far, the most impactful, profound, amazing, beautiful, would actually want to do it again. Despite the grueling nature at times ceremony that I’ve ever had, it has helped create so much growth, and so much change in so many amazing things in my life since then, that it’s going to be a really long time until I’m not feeling grateful about it. And I’ve also decided from this that I am going to do my best to do a seven day ceremony once a year with the same facilitators because the spiritual component and using the psychedelic component, even though that is not my main modality, it gives me so much it is just undeniable. And it really helps cement the work that I do for myself and for others with Cognomovement. Now one of my reasons for wanting to do ceremony is that I’ve noticed in a lot of the sessions that I’ve had, that sometimes I have a hard time not being affected by what my clients are offloading energetically. And to me that speaks to a higher level of healing because it’s absolutely important that they say whatever they want to say to me, or they say as little as they want to say to me that is crucial. And I need to be able to deal with that. And one of the things I’ve realized and I’ve gotten very, very good at because at the same way that my ball can delete the things for them, it deletes things for me, which gives me an advantage when I’m working with law enforcement and the things that they need to tell me that may traumatize another therapist who isn’t more culturally aware and, no, I’m not 100% culturally aware of what police go through. However, I do have a much better understanding since some things that I’ve learned from coming back from the ceremony. But at any rate, I really felt called to do that and be able to really facilitate at a much higher level for my clients who are coming in and not feel that impact after a session and it has worked beautifully, I have had zero attachment to any outcome, and my sessions since coming back have been more effective than they’ve ever been.
So some of the things that I was able to peel back and heal from my body. On the first night, there was ancestral trauma. Now, I don’t mean that my ancestors had traumatized me, ancestral trauma is trauma that comes to you through your genes. And one of my grandfather’s had fought both in World War II in Korea. And I don’t actually want to share a lot of details on that. But he had an incredible story. And he never actually talked about it until my nephew was going through school, because of the amount of trauma that he had to deal with. And so I was in the foxhole with him, I was sensing his fear. I was sensing everything that he went through. And I cried, buckets, understanding what he went through, and the most beautiful takeaway from that ancestral trauma was the love that he had with my grandmother, and how that was one of the driving forces that helped bring him home. And this man, he fought against all odds, there was one situation where I believe it was a total of 1500 people who were sent in and he was one of 10 survivors. Just imagine that for a minute. You’re one of 10 out of 1500 people who survived. Just sit with that for a moment and imagine what it would take from a person to be able to do that. And let alone we’re talking about that spiritual component. Again, there is absolutely a higher power in there that decided that was not my grandfather’s time to go. And the beautiful thing was, I saw that despite the fact that in his generation, there was no real support for trauma. They didn’t understand what trauma was, they called it being shell shocked. He was still able to be an amazing father to his children, and he never abused them. And he was able to be an amazing grandfather. To myself, my sister and I are cousins. And seeing his soul, the beauty of his soul. Like It almost brings me to tears. Now, it was just absolutely incredible. and again, the driving force that has allowed him to still go forth. With so much love was his own love that he was capable of that he felt from my grandmother that he felt from my mother and her siblings. That was what helped bring him home. And it was night after night. And after that, there was so much grief that I had not fully felt in my body yet. And I cried buckets, the first few nights, buckets, after the first three day ceremony that was a group, and then I stayed and did my own private ceremonies after that as well. And one of the people in the first ceremony and there were a lot of men in there. And that masculine energy actually really helped with this ancestral trauma healing that I had to do. And he said, he came by at one point he saw the Kleenex and he was like, Wow, man, she must be in it. Like yes, I was. And I also understood, and I don’t have my dad’s permission to discuss this. So I don’t want to go into details. But I was able to understand more of what my father went through as a child. And how they say that we go and try to date a version of our father. Ayahuasca showed me a very, very, very distinct and massive difference between the man that my father is and the people who I’ve dated. And even if they’ve had something in common with my dad, and that is that my dad has let go of the past. It does not haunt him. He is not in his past anymore. He is not feeling sorry for himself. He has let it go. Did he feel at all? Probably not. But again, I don’t have this permission to go into much more than that. So I’m not going out of respect for him. The big takeaway there, though, was that now I understand the difference between someone who has endured something in their childhood and is over it, at least for my dating life. It’s funny how different it is to interpret this from my work life versus my personal life. But I really understand the distinction now and I understand so much better what my life partner is going to feel and look like on an energetic level because of seeing this distinction. And it was like, oh, okay, thank you, mother. I understand that now thank you, thank you.
Then after that, all the grief, feeling everything in there that I had to feel. Another thing that came up is the importance of boundaries. And the term battery drainers kept coming up. And one of the terms that came out of this for me was to stop letting others charge their batteries off of your power. What are you giving away when you let people do that? It is up to every single one of us to protect our bodies, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, it is up to us. And we do that protection, we protect ourselves by creating the boundaries we need around what is and is not. Okay, as far as how you treat us, as far as how much time you can give any one person and what you are looking for in return. And so I could see the people who had been draining my batteries over and over again. And luckily, most of them had already been asked to leave my life. And I love them from afar. And then on the flip side of that, I saw other people whose batteries I was draining, because I had battery drainers draining me. And that happens to all of us, if we have someone draining us, we’re going to turn around and we’re going to train someone else in return. And so I saw so clearly how to keep my batteries full, and how you can keep your batteries full, and a lot of it is self care. And I’m gonna go into some of my takeaways of what I’m doing now for my self care routine. But a lot of that is reaching out and asking people, What do they need? And I ask you right now, take a look at the people in your life who are giving you the most right now. And who’s draining you. And for those people who are draining you, or maybe bothering you on a deep level? What boundary do you need with them to have a healthier relationship? Or do they need to be asked to leave your life where you can love them from afar. It’s totally up to you. But I invite you to take a look and see what you see within your own experience in your own life. For me, I’m still reaching out to the people who I had previously drained in the past. And I am happily and willingly given to them. The most beautiful thing I saw was how many people were already giving me so much. And I may not have been open to receiving from them. And now I feel so much more open to receiving because I see how symbiotic these relationships are. I see how much we are charging each other’s batteries. And we aren’t draining one another. And that is a beautiful thing. So I invite you after you look at who may be draining your battery, who’s charging it? And how can you recharge there so that you guys are continually filling each other’s cups, rather than draining them.
The next thing that I saw, and these may not have been an order, because there were five ceremonies. But she also showed me how jealousy blinds us how much it can skew our perspective on the world. And I’ve heard that jealousy can be used as a positive thing as far as you see what someone else has, whether it’s success in business, a certain car, whatever it may be, and it helps drive your goals and I do believe there’s some truth to that. But more often than not, jealousy comes from a warped perspective and that warped perspective can come from any number of places, typically trauma. But when someone is viewing the world through a jealous lens and they’re comparing themselves to someone else, and this is the jealousy that is not going to feel you this is not going to help you with your goals. This is the comparison to someone else where you think someone is better than you where you are jealous of something that they have and it is eating at you it is not motivating you it is eating at your soul to a point where you are constantly wrapped around the axle about whatever this thing is that this person has. That is not healthy jealousy and it is going to blind you from seeing how loved you are. That was the biggest takeaway from the jealousy lesson was understanding that it prevents you from receiving more love that is already in your life. So again, take a look. Is there someone who is creating jealousy inside you? Who is really eating away at your core and what can you shift there? To allow it? What love? Can you see within that dynamic or with people you have in common with this person, maybe it’s a sibling, maybe it’s a friend where you feel like you’re constantly in competition. Take a look at that and see what you can shift and where you stop that pattern.
There were also some massive perspective shifts. I had an incredibly humbling ceremony, where I saw that I had not been showing up, as the person that I thought I was in someone’s life who’s really close to me, not mean, genetically close to me. I hadn’t been the person that I wanted it to be for that person. If that makes sense, I hadn’t been the person that I wanted them to be, for me, I guess is a better way to say it. I had been thinking that this person had been holding out on me, and not giving me what I was asking for. And I saw in the ceremony that I was the one that was not giving them what they needed from me. And I wasn’t showing up for them the way that they need it. And the thing that blew my mind is as thoughtful of a person as I am as good of a person as I am. And I’m not saying I’m above you, but I’m a really freaking good person. And I really understand that about myself. And I don’t say that with any pride whatsoever. That is just an acknowledgement, I understand my superpowers, I understand my gifts, I own them, I am an amazing person to have on your side. And I wasn’t showing up as that person in this other person’s life. And so I had the opportunity to apologize for that just yesterday. And it’s unknown what’s going to go from here. But that isn’t as important. As I speak my mind, and the same thing goes to you, it is so much more important that you speak from your heart than their reaction is to that. And this person may or may not forgive me, that’s totally up to them, they may or may not give me the chance to earn their trust, again, that’s totally up to them. All I can do now is be aware of what I want to do differently. And now show up as that person that I know I’m more than capable of showing up. I know, I can show up for this person a hell of a lot more than I have. And I’m ready and willing to do it. And I plan to do it to whatever degree that they will allow going forth. It feels so much better in my body to understand that and to own that and to acknowledge that and to ask for their forgiveness. And they don’t know what to do with it yet. And that’s okay. They don’t have to their response, again, was not nearly as important as me speaking from my heart. And the same thing goes for you too. It is so much more important that you speak from your heart. And that you worry about their reaction. Whether speaking from your heart is telling them that they need to be a little bit further away from you. Or asking someone to be up close because you love them. And you’ve missed out on so much. And you want to have them be more of a part of your life, whatever it may be. speak from your heart life is way too short, to not get out everything that we want to tell to the people who love us, and the people we love.
Another big lesson I had was about our souls and my soul in particular, there was one part in I think it was in the first ceremony actually, and I don’t even know how to describe what I was seeing. But it was the vast infinite capabilities and the connectedness that we all have. We are all one I don’t know if you’ve read the egg theory. But that tends to be what I believe and there’s a lot of evidence to back it up then I’m not pushing my beliefs on you. I’m just kind of giving you a little background here. But I could actually feel on a deep level, that connectedness to every single one of you there was no separateness. You are me, I am you. Regardless of what distance we are from each other. We are all connected. What happens to me happens to you. That’s why we have that expression when you heal, I heal, because it’s true. Every time you heal something from your body, you benefit the entire world. Because everybody is connected. Every trauma we heal, every darkness that we put into the light, every Gremlin we let go of every limited belief we have ever had. When you let go of all those you benefit for all of humanity, not just yourself. And it is this beautiful, amazing thing and seeing it was just mind blowing, just absolutely mind blowing. And then she let me see, on top of this infinite soul, other really important things. One is that every single soul is sovereign, every single one, every animal, every bug, every plant, actually, I’m not sure if plants have a soul, they are conscious, every human will just stick with animals and humans and everything. Every single soul has his purpose in this life, you have a purpose, I have a purpose. Everybody has a purpose. It is not up to any of us to interfere with that soul’s journey, not at all. And we cannot fulfill what someone in our life needs, then the best and most loving thing we can do is to let them be free to go source that from themselves or from someone else. And I’m not a big fan of putting your needs on someone else. But we are all meant to be connected, we are meant to connect to one another, we are all one. So we are going to have needs for each other at some level, keeping them healthy becomes a tricky part.
But we all have needs to be addressed by other people. And if we are unable to do it, especially when we’re talking about a romantic relationship, it is best to let that person go to find someone else who can fit that role. And can give them whatever you do not desire to give them. And the same thing for me, I really understood just how different the different perspectives I saw my last relationship through, and that there were a lot of needs that I was never going to be able to fulfill for this person. And there are a lot of needs that that person was never going to be able to fulfill for me. And had we been able to see that earlier. That could have saved ourselves a lot of time and a lot of grief, to free each other to go find those needs to be met by someone else. And seeing that and understanding that I’m so free to let that person go. And I literally do not care. I let them go with love. I do not care how they are fulfilling their needs. Now I understand that is a completely different needs set from what I am skilled at giving. And the most loving thing that I did with him was to break up with him. I highly doubt he sees it that way. But that was the biggest move of love that I ever gave him was letting go. Because now he can go have those needs met by someone who is going to willingly and happily fulfill those for him. I really understood the value that I bring to others in this role. And while I use a lot of words on this podcast, I’ve been making a concerted effort in my personal life to not talk about varying levels of success because we have a 48 year pattern of talking people’s heads off. And yes, 48 I learned how to talk when I was nine months old, “shocker”. I know. One of the most beautiful ways that you can let someone be seen and heard is to stop talking and let them talk. It doesn’t matter how interested you are in the subject matter. It doesn’t matter what your opinion is of what they are saying. Let them speak. Let them be heard. Being silent is one of the most powerful displays of love that you can give someone because you are allowing someone else’s voice to be heard. You are allowing someone else to be seen.
One of the other things that happened in ceremony was that the spirits of four people that I knew directly in this life who have committed suicide came in and had different messages for me. And so my work there is not just to turn it around and give that to the world but it’s to understand where I may have been lacking that. And so two of them gave me the message and told me that I was very excellent at allowing others to be seen and heard. So I examined and worked out in other ceremonies where I hadn’t felt seen and heard, so that I can now show up better, to be seen and heard, to allow others to be seen and heard and to know when it’s time to be quiet. And to not need to be seen and heard all the time, because a lot of the time is not about me at all. But have I tried to make it about me? Sometimes, yes. And so now I have so much more space to allow other people. And again, this is personal life, not business life. When it’s clients, it is all about them all the time. And if they ask me personal questions, I’ll answer but my sessions with my clients are about my clients. And in my personal life, now, I’m doing a much better job of being able to do that. And one of the best things that I’ve started to ask people all the time is, how can I help you? What do you need for support? How can I be there for you? What do you need right now? And then give it to them, or if I can’t give it to them, let them know. I can’t give it to them. They really understood my value at a whole ‘nother level.
Another one suggested that I could help people find their true identity, because he died not knowing who he was. And that person I looked at, who am I? What is my identity? And I’m still defining that in all honesty, but it’s a bigger concept than what I was giving credit to. I’m not just Katie, I’m not just a coach. I’m not just a Cognomovement provider, practitioner, or podcast host. These are things I do, they’re not me, at my element at my, at my core, I am love. And I am everything. And you at your core, you are love. You are everything. You are complete, whole, and perfect. Exactly as you are right now, regardless of your relationship status, regardless of your career status, regardless of your financial status. Regardless of everything you are perfect and whole and complete. Right now, as you listen to this podcast, the same way that I am complete and home perfect. As I’m doing this podcast, it doesn’t mean that we’re not still going to have goals. By all means continue to make goals and celebrate them. When you achieve them. That is so important. Pause and celebrate, don’t move on to the next goal until you’ve celebrated the one that you’re working on now. And then the biggest takeaway, and this one really came with the psilocybin. And what was so powerful, was the medicine would not let go until I got this message. And it was the longest ceremony I have ever had in my entire life. Since I didn’t have a clock. I’m not actually sure how long. But we started with daylight and I was still up when the rooster was crowing at 4:45 or 5:30am. The next morning. And I think I’d only come out of the ceremony maybe an hour or two before that. So I’m gonna guess it was around 12 to 14 hours, because I hadn’t gotten the message.
It was a very profound ceremony. I faced fear over my own death. And I was nowhere near dying. Just to be clear, my mind was playing tricks on me because my ego started fighting, instead of going with what the medicine was trying to tell me. So I faced what felt like my own death, the fear of it, and I let it go. And it was funny because it was a question that my facilitator asked me as I took the dose. I said, I trust you. And she said, do you trust yourself? And I said, Yes. But I had a little doubt. And so that ceremony was all about trust. And I could see in that ceremony how easy life can be, how simple it is, and how everything other than love is an illusion, every single emotion. Fear limits, all of these things. They are all bullshit. They’re all illusions, the only real thing is love. The only real emotion is love. Every other derivative of that is just getting in the way. And really understanding how deeply I can trust myself now I trust in myself to a good degree before I really did. But now I trust myself completely to the point where if someone is injecting their opinion on me they’re going to be asked to keep that to themselves because I need to ask my permission, before you dump your opinion on me. And I’m going to do a better job of asking for your permission before I doubt my opinion on you. Because that’s kind of an aggressive way of communicating. When you think about it, oh, well, if I were you, I wouldn’t do that. Or oh, this is going to happen. If you do that. You have no way of knowing that. Just because you may have personally had a different outcome. One that you want to steer someone away from, that doesn’t mean that you have a right to put it on him. And you can really dent someone’s trust we’re going back to that sovereign soul, and how every soul has its journey here. And it’s not up to any of us to interfere. Same thing with trust. And the way that I was able to finally get the medicine to lower was by laying in my nest, and repeating to myself, I can trust myself. I can trust myself. I trust myself. And the fear that I had been feeling, and this is the first time I really felt a high level of fear and ceremony ever. And I’m so grateful now that I did. Because it taught me so much. It helped me face things that had previously terrified me. And there’s nothing to be afraid of, because fear is an illusion. We can think, oh, I don’t want emotional pain. I don’t want grief. Who does? But is it something to fear, you’re going to deal with it, the next time it happens, you’re going to get through it, you’re going to grow, you’re going to learn, fearing it is just going to make it worse.
That was one of the reasons that I started letting my cats out. Again, you may have seen, I don’t know if this may be the first time hearing it. But last fall, my black and white monochromatic cat which blends with nothing in nature, George, was being stalked by a bald eagle. And my response had been fear putting up a big enclosure in the back of the house, he was kind of okay with it, but not really. And coming back from ceremonies, every time the eagle came around, he was inside. That wasn’t my chance. He’s a smart cat, he knows to get out of the way now doesn’t mean I’m gonna let him wander around at night, when there’s a lot more predators, I’m not taking unnecessary risks. And I’m trusting that he’s going to keep himself safe during the day. And the eagle has not been anywhere to see and I’ve been laying them out for the last two weeks, eagles nowhere to be seen. And this time of year, there really isn’t a place that the ego can get him. And there’s just not enough space with all the leaves and trees around here. But it’s not up to me to interfere with his soul’s journey. It’s not up to me to interfere with nature any more than I already have by living in a house and disrupting nature to be in this house. It’s not up to me to do that. And it’s not up to you. I’m not casting any judgment. Everybody lives at a different level of comfort and by all means, please live in the way that is the most comfortable and the most peaceful to you and does not need to look like mine, it most likely will not look anything like mine. And that is okay. I invite you to be as different from me as you want to be please. You’re still going to be perfect, and love and everything that you need to be exactly however you are living your life, no matter what anybody else thinks. And I am trusting that my cats are going to stay safe outside and they have been and I have been trusting that my dog is not going to go after them and she went nose to nose with one of my cats last week and no problem. And within two to three inches of George today and no problem. Deer are still something to work out. She went broke and after a deer and scared the crap out of me for a mom but she came back in seconds. Felt like hours but she came back in seconds. And it’s trusting her to make the right decisions for herself and trusting myself to make the right decisions for her and to use my energy to guide her instead of letting myself be riddled with fear because of other people’s ideas and opinions and experiences. I’m trusting that I’m the right person for her and she’s the right dog for me and that I am going to be the best dog mom I can possibly be. I’m already a badass cat mom. I got some more work. I want my little girl. My little baby doggy needs it. She’s not a baby. She’s five but I had a little bit more work to do for her and use my energy to help protect her space so that she always feels safe with me. And it has been absolutely incredible our interactions minus or booking it after the deer today, which took me by surprise, our interactions have been completely different, I’ve been able to start doing off leash commands with her for the first time, and she’s listening. Like I said, she went nose to nose with one of my animals, my cat, and she doesn’t lose her shit. When I come over, I can hear her being super excited, her tail is wagging so hard, it’s like it’s gonna fall off her butt. And she is not flipping out. And being noisy and destructive when I come over anymore. She’s just quietly happy to see me. And she knows that their reward is going to be that I’m going to put on her e collar which is like a 10s unit to control her not not one, that’s mean that she’s going to immediate immediately be able to offload that excitement and energy by going out and getting to be a dog with me. And that is her reward for behaving herself when I show up. And that was all about trust, and not interfering with the soul’s journey.
Okay, this has been kind of a long one. I think that wraps it up, or now. And, as always, thank you so much for joining me. I hope this gives you a lot that you can see within your own life that you can start to implement. And thank you for being willing to hear my story. I’ve been doing a lot of Cognomovement since I came back. And I’ve gotten into a new meditation routine. It started out as just meditating and walking. And I have actually extended that to do how Elrod miracle mornings, I’ll put a link to miracle mornings in the show notes as well. I absolutely love it. And if you want to join as my accountability partner and do miracle mornings with me, I hope you will. I absolutely love it. I’ve been doing them for four days, I only did one short one one day. And the other days I’ve been doing it for an hour or more. I think I did them for an hour and 20 minutes this morning, because I got up early. And I feel amazing. It is a great way to line up your brain to really be productive. And there’s so much evidence that having a morning routine really sets you up for the life that you desire. So highly recommend how our rods work. There is a book you can listen to on Audible or read. I blew through it in like two days on Audible. It’s like a five hour read. Fantastic book. And it really, really lit me up. So I highly suggest that it’s continuing to help me move forward. As usual, coming back from the ceremony, there is still some integration that I am doing. Stress levels have come back a little bit. But there is a lot going on in my life this week with a really high level with people who really really matter the most to me in my life.
So I think anybody who is having the week that I’m having would probably be feeling a little bit more, but whenever I start to feel my stress going up, I just close my eyes. I say I trust, I trust, I trust the spirit. I trust myself. I trust that every one of these souls on this journey with me is the souls that I’m all connected to. I trust that everything is unfolding exactly the way it needs to. And I can feel my stress going down. That is my takeaway for you is actually there were so many. But I invite you to try that the next time you start stressing, just go back and just close your eyes. Put your hands on your hearts and have trust. I trust whether it’s the universe, God yourself, all of the above. Lean into that trust, feel it. Let it be there in your heart. Let yourself feel.
Thank you again for joining me. I hope you’re gonna come back and join me next week when I have a headache expert who is going to be speaking to us. I got my schedule mixed up and I promised her a couple of weeks ago. She is going to be joining me next week to tell you the ins and outs around specific headaches and what you can do about that to help you’re going to join me again and until then. Please never forget. You can accept the diagnosis without accepting the prognosis.